Why not blog
THIS POST IS FROM 5/14/19 After embarrassing myself multiple years, this one was the cherry on the 12 foot high cupcake. And it almost devastated me. In fact, it did, but God.
Have you ever seen someone just free to sincerely express themselves without fear of backlash? Perhaps this seems so obvious it sounds ludicrous to some...but for reasons both known and yet to be revealed, I have had serious issue with this feature myself. Only when with a true blue friend (a rare and precious commodity indeed) or a brother, have I managed this elusive-to-me state (and there’s no “of being”) and not for very long...paranoia sets in to steal away further expression. What the hell is that? I know it’s not right. “Be your normal self “ came outta my mouth a few years ago, sending my bff and I in fits of rolling laughter, tears streaming...and still speaks to me this day as that true blue refreshes my memory and feeds my soul the way only a lifelong friend can.
I return to my hometown to bury my father next week. Only he’s my dear ol dad, Jovial Joe, NOT some estranged man who never (fill in the blank here). My dad flew all the way to Japan to get me out of a mental hospital! He’s been my hero forever it seems, even when I was too small-minded to play basketball my senior year of high school, all butthurt at having only been put in for the last 10 seconds of our state playoffs the year before. (He was assistant coach). My friend recently helped me thru that painful memory as I realized his kindness in putting me in for that brief stint, so I could say I had played in the Seattle Center Coliseum.
Have you ever seen someone just free to sincerely express themselves without fear of backlash? Perhaps this seems so obvious it sounds ludicrous to some...but for reasons both known and yet to be revealed, I have had serious issue with this feature myself. Only when with a true blue friend (a rare and precious commodity indeed) or a brother, have I managed this elusive-to-me state (and there’s no “of being”) and not for very long...paranoia sets in to steal away further expression. What the hell is that? I know it’s not right. “Be your normal self “ came outta my mouth a few years ago, sending my bff and I in fits of rolling laughter, tears streaming...and still speaks to me this day as that true blue refreshes my memory and feeds my soul the way only a lifelong friend can.
I return to my hometown to bury my father next week. Only he’s my dear ol dad, Jovial Joe, NOT some estranged man who never (fill in the blank here). My dad flew all the way to Japan to get me out of a mental hospital! He’s been my hero forever it seems, even when I was too small-minded to play basketball my senior year of high school, all butthurt at having only been put in for the last 10 seconds of our state playoffs the year before. (He was assistant coach). My friend recently helped me thru that painful memory as I realized his kindness in putting me in for that brief stint, so I could say I had played in the Seattle Center Coliseum.
PS 11/16/24 It doesn't seem that I revealed whatever shamefulness was upon me as I first posted this...yet I am coming slowly up for air. And I must say, it's fresh and good: Delicious, in fact. Finally being real, facing my demons and with others' help and prayers, especially in small groups in my local church, I am growing...dare I say "up"? Is this what that means? Because if so, it's actually NOT some preconceived awful notion as in the Stones' lyric: What a drag it is, getting old....true in some ways, but in this way: liberating, necessary as oxygen, and honestly life-giving. Longing for connection? That's not a shameful sin. It's part of our human fabric. I find myself stirring....this happens in the best falls (season, not action) Perhaps this time I'll follow through....peace out flower children. LOL
posted by Callateresa @ 5:32 AM
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